


It's Not a Complicated Mess

by pigeonwriter, Vincebird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Dubiously Slow Burn????, Fix-It, M/M, Married Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Not Canon Compliant - The Homestuck Epilogues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, because like they are legit married
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-03-08 09:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18892057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonwriter/pseuds/pigeonwriter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vincebird/pseuds/Vincebird
Summary: May or may not actually be just a slightly less complicated mess than usual.Co-written between vince and arjun, intended to go whole hog into a Dirk/John and Dave/Karkat fic later. If we accomplish what we're hoping to, hopefully all the characters will be at least 25% more functional than they were in the epilogues. Set before the epilogues by like two whole years.





	1. What Happened To You?

The date was December 31st on Earth C, and though the new year was closing in slowly but surely, there were precious few hours left in the night. The party was as raucous now as it was the past two years that Jake had hosted it, and as Dave watched the rest of the crowd in the oversized replica high school gymnasium, he figured it could only ever intensify. He was left to wonder why the fuck Jake had this thing built, given that high school gyms weren’t the greatest party venue known to man, but as always he was given no answer. The motherfucker never even attended high school. Probably something to do with the old classic movies, Dave surmised.

The New Year’s Bash itself was awkward, air thick with other people’s alcohol breath. It was hard to see through the multicolored lights, and hard to walk without tripping over somebody else’s feet. Nevermind that Dave didn’t really need to do much walking, as he had decided to camp out next to one of the countless plastic fold-out tables offering booze and chips. Most of his friends had decided to settle in around the back of the gym as well, even if they were a little bit scattered. He quipped to himself that this shit may as well be 7th grade dance for all jake knows to throw a fucking party under his breath.

If he was honest with himself, the fact that almost everyone around him except for Roxy and the trolls was drunk didn’t help the uncomfortable atmosphere of the party. Dave shifted nervously on his feet. Still, Roxy had dragged them all there, and even encouraged Dave to get Karkat to leave his house. After all, she said, it had been a few months since they’d all been in one place.

Dave cast a gaze sideways at his best friend, and began to wonder if dragging Karkat to a party was really the best idea. The poor bastard was visibly shaking and sweating.

DAVE: hey karkat you ok  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU? TROLL BIOLOGY CONDITIONS US TO SEE ANY LARGE GATHERING OF ADULTS AS A THREAT. TROLLS ARE NOT A SOCIAL SPECIES, AND THE ONLY TIME A TROLL IS EVER NATURALLY IN A GROUP THIS HUGE IS EITHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR OR WHILE ON TRIAL FOR BEING CULLED. ME RESPONDING TO THIS CIRCUMSTANCE WITH PANIC IS AN IMMUTABLE BIOLOGICAL FACT.  
DAVE: kanaya seems to be doing just fine  


Dave looked over at Kanaya, squinting a little in the colorful party-lights. Though she was sticking to the fringes of the crowd, just like they were, she was remarkably stable in comparison. She, unlike Karkat, stood straight and proud, with a very literal healthy glow. Also quite unlike Karkat, she was managing to maintain conversation with more than one other person, chatting it up about some mother grub business. Kanaya appeared older than her 21 years (or 10 “sweeps”), as she was partying in the way Rose had once described her mother doing, nearly a decade ago.

Karkat looked away, curling inwards on himself just a little bit further.

DAVE: karkat if you keep this up you’ll turn into the universe’s crabbiest black hole  
DAVE: wait shit  
DAVE: maybe that’s how the dreambubbles got destroyed nevermind  
KARKAT: PLEASE JUST SHUT UP. I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR INTERMINABLE RIFFS.  
KARKAT: AND MY POSTURE ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD. YOU’RE ONE TO FUCKING TALK.  
DAVE: you are literally in the fetal position  
DAVE: you look like fucking narcissus bending over the river  
DAVE: except instead of admiring your reflection youre admiring the shitty confetti all over this sticky ass floor  
DAVE: like jesus who thought this was a good idea  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT YOUR RAMBLEHOLE. I’M HAVING A FUCKING BREAKDOWN HERE, DAVE. I CAN BARELY FUCKING SEE FIVE FEET IN FRONT OF ME AND EVERYTHING REEKS OF YOUR SHITTY HUMAN POISON DRINKS.  
DAVE: dont trolls have some equivalent to booze though  
DAVE: the drinks help tbh  
KARKAT: YES BUT THE ASSCLOWN RUNNING THIS CATASTROPHE DIDN’T THINK TO FUCKING STOCK ANY EVEN THOUGH A LARGE PORTION OF HIS AUDIENCE IS TROLLS WHO PROCESS ALCOHOL DIFFERENTLY.  
KARKAT: IT WOULD’VE BEEN THAT FUCKING EASY, BUT APPARENTLY NOT FOR JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH IT WASN’T.   
KARKAT: YOU CAN LITERALLY FIND IT IN EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN GROCERY STORE FOR MILES. THE INCOMPETENCE IS PALPABLE.  
DAVE: woah dont you think youre being a little hard on him   
DAVE: dude was given the gift of a magnificent ass instead of a brain you know  
KARKAT: DAVE, DON’T BE A HYPOCRITE.  
DAVE: ...woah ok  
DAVE: how about instead of obliquely remarking on the objective quality of my ass  
DAVE: you go over there and talk to kanaya  
KARKAT: I’M LITERALLY HAVING A PANIC ATTACK, YOU INSCRUTABLE ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: and kanaya’s chill as hell  
DAVE: off you go  
KARKAT: DAVE, WAIT-  


Without another word, Dave quite literally threw Karkat at Kanaya, who was already on her way over to their corner. He figured Kanaya might be better at dealing with Karkat than he was. After all, he was panicking, somewhere deep down, too, and the only difference between him and Karkat was a couple drinks and the ability to maintain a stoic facade. Dave was more concerned however, about Jade, who was running over and calling his name. While Karkat’s anxiety was important, Dave sensed that whatever Jade had to deal with was much more important, and demanded his immediate attention.

JADE: dave!!! DAVE!!!  
DAVE: holy shit jade whats wrong  
JADE: its about dirk!!!  
DAVE: is he ok  
DAVE: did he fall into the well  
JADE: hes fine, but  
JADE: argh i can’t really explain it!  
JADE: can we go outside? this party is really loud and i have two sets of ears :(  
DAVE: sure alright  


Dave made his way out of the backdoor of the building first, with Jade in tow. The grass outside was tall, and a little moist from excessive watering. Quite mercifully, the parking lot was on the opposite side of the venue, so very few nosy onlookers would likely find them. The Earth C sky was beautiful at night, though the constellations based on his preferred shirt design was beginning to get on his nerves. Especially since his constellation was the broken record, not the regular one. He didn’t choose that shirt design. He wasn’t exactly a fan of having a reminder of that time his bro beat the shit out of him in the sky. It was fortunate, he reflected, that his shades prevented him from really seeing the stars. Somewhat anxious and wanting to break the tension, Dave tried to derail.

DAVE: ok is it just me or is having constellations based on our shirts weird  
JADE: i like the atom though! hehe  
JADE: wait, that’s not what this is about!  
JADE: you know how youve been telling me to hang out with dirk more?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: he’s your father’s boyfriend  
DAVE: your best friend’s father  
DAVE: probably some other things cause all of us are either fucking related or dating  
DAVE: i think dirks rad as hell  
DAVE: cooler than a fuckin uh  
DAVE: nerd with sunglasses getting his ass bruised sitting on a rock  
DAVE: anyway its weird that you two basically never talk  
DAVE: wait didn’t you come to the party with him and jake  
JADE: well… yes but  
JADE: its just that um  
JADE: i think he kind of treats jake like shit :(  
JADE: hes controlling and manipulative and just… ugh!  
JADE: i think if you keep a close enough eye on him youll see it too  
JADE: its like he treats jake like one of his weird butt puppets or something :(  
DAVE: oh man is he sticking his hand up jakes ass  
JADE: be serious, please :(  
DAVE: yeah sorry  
DAVE: i haven’t really gotten to hang out with him and jake because  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i dont really  
DAVE: uh  
JADE: i know you and jake don’t get along too well  
DAVE: whew  
DAVE: but yeah i kinda thought it was suspicious when dirk said he   
DAVE: “had plans” for jake  
DAVE: but i can’t just turn against him on a whim  
DAVE: maybe ill talk to him about this later after i think about it  
DAVE: he’s a good guy deep down  
DAVE: maybe he just doesn’t see how bad things have gotten  
JADE: yeah, maybe!  
JADE: at least that’ll get him away from jake  
JADE: he’s literally been clinging to him all party :(  
JADE: unlike in a healthy relationship, where you ditch your boyfriend whenever someone calls you! :P  
DAVE: oh shit right  
DAVE: i mean kahkat’s not my boyfriend  
JADE: sure... kahkat...  
DAVE: ok i have a lot to deal with actually  
DAVE: good talk  
DAVE: see ya  


Dave rushed back inside, with a lot on his mind. Was Dirk really abusing Jake? He and Dirk didn’t talk too much about romance, because the conversations tended to end up being commands from Dirk for him to “top karkat already.” As a result, he hadn’t been keeping a close eye on Dirk, and preventing him from falling back into old habits as he diligently had the first couple years they were living on earth C. It was perhaps easier to treat him like a mentor figure than like a friend, despite the fact that Dave was aware he was Dirk’s only friend, since him and Roxy had drifted apart and Jane wasn’t really a person in his eyes.

Dave decided to go check on Karkat before he talked to Dirk, and maybe apologize. Ass comment or no ass comment, he was a bit callous towards him after all. But when he got to Kanaya, he found Karkat wasn’t with her.

DAVE: hey what happened to karkat   
DAVE: did he finally implode into an anxious supernova  
DAVE: did you use your space powers to shrink him  
DAVE: shit did i step on him  
DAVE: hold up i gotta check the bottom of my shoes  
DAVE: oh fuck i killed my roommate  
DAVE: the only one of us thats not immortal  
DAVE: i gotta go on the run from the cops now i dont want shitty posthumous grubflix documentaries  
DAVE: could also do without getting stuck on death row  
DAVE: kanaya will you hide me  
KANAYA: Dave What The Actual Fuck  
KANAYA: Karkat Is Fine  
KANAYA: I Know We Are Not Especially Close But Are You Feeling Alright  
KANAYA: You Are Acting Quite Like Karkat Right Now  
DAVE: yeah im fine i just wanna know where karkat went  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: make sure he hasnt gone off the grid or anything   
KANAYA: He Went Home   
KANAYA: I Figured That He Could Not Be Stable In This Environment  
KANAYA: So I Talked To Roxy And She Said She Did Not Know About Karkat’s Issues  
KANAYA: And That She Felt Guilty For Insisting He Come  
KANAYA: I Thought Karkat Might Not Do Well Alone But Rose Wanted Me To Stay  
KANAYA: So Roxy Offered To Take Him Home  
DAVE: damn you are really beating me at the karkats best friend sweepstakes  
DAVE: you’re over here with the winning ticket  
DAVE: while i lost a scratch-off for five dollars  
KANAYA: I Will Not Deny I Have Known Him For Longer  
KANAYA: But Do Not Undervalue Yourself  
KANAYA: You Are His Matesprit And I’m Sure He Loves You  
DAVE: n  
DAVE: no im not  
DAVE: what the hell gave you that idea  
DAVE: that was encouraging though thanks kanaya  
DAVE: even if you made completely the wrong assumptions despite the fact that you talk to karkat on the regular  
KANAYA: You’re Welcome  


Dave was a bit flustered, for the third time tonight. Did a new issue of the Carapace Kingdom Enquirer come out that stated he and Karkat were dating? Was Karkat in on the joke? He still fondly remembered the issue which stated he was secretly in love with “the ancient human leader Barack Obama,” which he hung proudly on the wall of his and Karkat’s hive opposite the entrance, so that it was the first thing visitors saw when they entered the place. They were kind of right that time, though only in terms of fiscal policy and rap skills, but whoever started the Davekat rumor had gone too far.

KANAYA: Dave  
KANAYA: You Are Spacing Out  
DAVE: right sorry  


Dave saw Jade making hand signals, as if to say “come on!” and found it to be a convenient out, from what was quickly becoming a very awkward conversation. He didn’t really feel like staying under her piercing glare for much longer, certainly not when she seemed to have good reason to be cross with him.

DAVE: oh would you look at the time  
DAVE: its half past peace out o’clock  
DAVE: i gotta go talk to dirk now see ya  
KANAYA: Bye  


Man, every conversation tonight was ending the same way. Hopefully Dirk didn’t insinuate something weird. He motioned to him to talk for a minute, and Dirk obliged, finally leaving Jake’s side. Jade immediately swooped in to talk to Jake, and Dave decided it would be best if Dirk didn’t listen.

DAVE: you wanna step outside  
DAVE: i uh   
DAVE: i have ears  


An original rap Jake wrote about his love of Weekend At Bernie’s was playing. The beat was entirely composed of samples from the score and dialog of that movie, and was, by Dave’s measure, shittier than the first remix he ever made.

DIRK: Unfortunately, I have ears too.  
DIRK: I wouldn’t mind going for a smoke.  


Dave dragged Dirk outside, to the same place in the grass where he and Jade had their own little talk. Dirk pulled out a blunt, and took what Dave believed to be called “a long drag.” Thanks to some facet of his SBURB powers, no drugs had any actual effect on Dirk, but he liked the sensation of smoking, and believed marijuana to be better than nicotine for the lungs. Dave wasn’t a fan of sharing, as he would actually have to be stoned if he smoked the fat blunt.

DIRK: Is this about you finally working up the courage to top Karkat? I saw him leaving with Roxy earlier.  


God fucking damn it.

DAVE: fucking hell dirk  
DAVE: are you like actually stoned somehow  
DAVE: just HOW HIGH do you even have to BE just to SAY something like that………  
DIRK: Please, Dave.  
DIRK: Are you going to top Karkat or not?  
DAVE: no this isn’t fucking about that  
DAVE: its about you and jake  


Any pretense of amusement left falls from Dirk’s face. He stares at Dave through inscrutable anime lenses, face blank yet at the same time hostile. Under this stony glare, Dave squirms. Though he was about to continue speaking, the words had retreated back down his throat, and he couldn’t summon them back up again. The following minute of near-silence was almost comically uncomfortable, as most had been thus far, yet made almost worse by the faint, muffled, dead air of terrible homebrewed raps about shitty ancient “classic” movies.

When Dirk speaks, his tone is almost neutral, yet with an undertone of suspicion.

DIRK: Yes, Dave?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: i was talking to jade and i kind of realized  
DAVE: youre kind of controlling with jake  
DAVE: and clingy also  
DAVE: youve been attached to him at the hip during the entire party like the worlds most incestuous pair of conjoined twins  
DAVE: and youve mentioned your “plans” for him before   
DAVE: like he doesnt have or deserve personal agency  
DAVE: idk it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way when i realized it  
DIRK: Dave, I love you, so I’m going to be honest with you.  
DIRK: And I don’t mean “I love you” in an incestuous way, by the way, just to get that on the record.  
DIRK: Does Jake “have or deserve personal agency?” Do you really think someone like him can function without someone helping him be vaguely competent?  
DAVE: dirk  
DAVE: what the actual fuck  
DIRK: Don’t lie. I know your opinion of him is pretty low.  
DAVE: yeah but that doesnt mean i think he should have his rights stripped away  
DAVE: dudes pretty stupid but hes not a dog  
DAVE: this is exactly what im talking about hes not your puppet hes a human fucking being  
DIRK: Have you ever thought about the fact that all of us might be puppets, of some higher power? That we’re all nothing but slaves to somebody else’s will? For all you know, this could just be an RP where two people work out their own issues, or an extremely elaborate Jim Henson set.  
DIRK: That would be an injustice much greater than what I was doing to Jake.  
DAVE: dont derail this with existential bullshit dirk  
DAVE: please  
DAVE: were talking about human beings not shitty pretentious philosophies the point is still that you need to treat jake better  
DAVE: hes not your puppet  
DAVE: hes your boyfriend  
DIRK: You’re giving that puppet metaphor some work. It sounds an awful lot like something Jade said to me.  
DIRK: Did she put you up to this and tell you what to say?  
DIRK: I suppose I’m not being direct enough.  
DIRK: Do you, Dave fucking Strider, earnestly think I did something wrong?  
DAVE: would i have worked up the courage to talk to you right now if i didnt  
DAVE: if i thought jade was a fraud i wouldnt be chewing your ass out like cheap gum  
DAVE: you juicy fruit asshole  
DIRK: Damn.  
DIRK: You know what, I can tell you’re actually serious about this.  
DIRK: Maybe I really have fucked up with Jake again.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: idk what jade thinks but i think you should probably apologize to him  
DIRK: What for?  
DIRK: I grew up in the middle of the ocean, you know I’m not the greatest at human interaction.   
DAVE: oh i dont know  
DAVE: being controlling and overprotective for no good reason  
DAVE: manipulating him to your own end  
DAVE: treating him like an infant who doesnt know about fire safety or knives  
DIRK: I think maybe baby-proofing our apartment was a step too far, yeah.  
DAVE: god dammit that was supposed to be hyperbole  
DIRK: And I was making a joke.  
DAVE: i can never tell with you  
DAVE: but do you get it now  
DAVE: are you going to make things right with jake  
DIRK: Yeah, I get it. This is the same problem I had during our SBURB session, with the same person too.  
DIRK: Nevertheless, I don’t think I could salvage things.  
DIRK: Would it cheapen the apology if I broke up with him?  
DAVE: fuck knows  
DAVE: maybe itd be better that way  
DAVE: you wouldnt be able to control him anymore if you did  
DIRK: I suppose you have a point.  
DIRK: Well, I’m gonna go apologize.  
DIRK: For denying Jake agency, and manipulating him in order to gain power using his beautiful ass.  
DIRK: And I’ve just about finished this blunt.  
DIRK: Shall we step back inside?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: no offense to the rock im sitting on but my ass hurts and i need more alcohol  
DIRK: I wish I could relate.  


Dave and Dirk stepped back inside. Though the weight of interpersonal angst was heavy on both of them, the crowd was growing more and more excited by the minute. Dave may not have necessarily needed to look to the stage for answers, yet he did anyway. The ball had lit up, brilliantly yet obnoxiously colored as ever, as the carapacian special effects team in the rafters prepared for the drop. Though the countdown had not yet started, they were doing a damn good job of making it obvious that it would soon.

Something felt off, in spite of it all. Dave couldn’t place the feeling, yet it intensified as Jake walked up on the stage with an uncharacteristically careful stride. He had gone from boisterous to serious alarmingly quickly. He cleared his throat, tugged at his collar, awkwardly gazed around the set… Everything a man could do to procrastinate on giving a speech, it seemed. The crowds went silent, waiting, pliable and tame for Jake English. Dave squirmed uncomfortably in the darkened back of the room. He didn’t like it, but he felt like he knew exactly what Jake was about to say, that effectively being some dumb ass shit.

Jake seemed to realize, somewhat belatedly, that a straight minute of uncomfortable silence preluding a speech was unwise, and cleared his throat a second time with just a little more finality.

JAKE: *Ahem.*  
JAKE: Well friends i do sure hate to bog down such a bombastic party with personal hocus pocus like this but i think itd be best for me to just come right out and say it for the sake of being honest and all that.  
JAKE: I think i realized tonight that i have the right to make my own choices and all that hogwash and come to think of it i have the right to un-make them as well.  
JAKE: So that being said, i…  
JAKE: Im breaking up with dirk strider.  
JAKE: I need space to make my own choices frankly and ill be honest now with both myself and all of you. He wasnt giving me that space and i think its better for both of us that we separate.  
JAKE: Im so sorry dirk.  
JAKE: And to all the rest of you I hope you have a better new years than ive been.  
JAKE: Lets hope that this year we make better choices than we did and we make them on our own.  


Why did he have to announce that? Dave stared dumbly at the man on stage. He wasn’t honestly sure what to do with that. If anything, he was just surprised that Jake did it at all, though the part of him that understood things about people reminded him how easily persuaded the poor man was. Dirk or no Dirk, Jake was probably the easiest man to manipulate that he knew. Before he could say anything out loud to nobody in particular, the countdown began with honestly impeccable timing.

The crowd chanted in unison as tacky glowing LED numbers counted down, down, down to 12:00. Privately, Dave brooded over Jake’s announcement, his friendships, the new year. He wasn’t exactly proud of the year they were closing off, nor the night that was coming to an end. Neither was he proud of the bridge he’d just helped burn, nor his miscellaneous other fuckups that he knew he’d end up brooding further on later when he would actually try and get some sleep for once. All in all, it was a disappointingly shitty night, if not a surprisingly shitty one.

He needed to talk to someone. Someone simple and easy to talk to, someone who he didn't fuck up with tonight. He needed to talk to Roxy.

Wait, Roxy was taking Karkat home, so that was actually out of the question. His mind settled on another friend, one he hadn't spoken to in months. If there was a point to these parties, at least, it was talking to people you didn't normally get to talk to. Dave wanted, more than anything, to talk to John.

He flew up, looking for John's trademark green slime ghost tuxedo. John was taller than pretty much every troll, carapacian, or consort, and most humans as well, so he was pretty easy to spot in a crowd. Additionally, his taste for outfits that maybe would've been classy in 2009, or even 1990, but seemed nothing short of outdated in Earth C's culture, made him stand out more. Searching for John wasn't exactly Where's Waldo. So he was pretty certain, when he couldn't see him, that John wasn't actually at the party.

This was not a huge shock to Dave, all things considered. John had gone into a severe tailspin about a year ago, after all. Though even Karkat could be coaxed out of his shell once in a blue moon, John was impossible to reach. Regardless, he figured it’d be worth a shot to at least text him. Though he knew his 6-month streak of not leaving his house was as yet unbroken, perhaps he’d still respond to texts.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:10  
TG: hey  
TG: idk where youre at but be glad youre not at the new years bash this time  
TG: cause this shit blows  
TG: its like that elefun shit  
TG: do you remember elefun john  
TG: like when theyd run ads all the time with the shitty little bong elephant that blows butterflies everywhere   
TG: except instead of butterflies its shitty personal drama and ass-shaped confetti  
TG: and the bongaphant here is jake or something fucking hell it all comes back to that guy  
TG: and like also you’re fucking shitfaced the whole time  
TG: actually it might be worse with the regular butterflies that shit was probably made of hard plastic  
TG: imagine stepping on one of those fucking things after a blackout drunk elefun sesh  
TG: like aw fuck what happened last night  
TG: we better not have fucked with the elephant bong again  
TG: and then its like now your foot hurts AND you realize your living room is a minefield of shitty butterflies  
TG: cause you cant see them in the horrible shag carpeting like someone made it out of like  
TG: fur from those dogs that have dreads and shit  
TG: fuck i dont know   
TG: the point is  
TG: you had the right idea this year  
TG: even karkat came and he also thought it sucked shit so he went home  
TG: bastard wouldnt even take a turn with the elephant bong  
TG: no but seriously im kinda worried  
TG: and also miserable  
TG: two birds one stone come on john talk to me  
TG: ok well if you wont respond then im coming over  
TG: put out the fucking milk and cookies dave striders coming to town  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:23  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> closing statement from vince: god sorry the first chapter was such a mess but thats life !


	2. I Haven't Looked At The Sun For So Long

John Egbert woke up at 7:00 AM on New Year’s Day. He’d watched the ball drop, watched Jake interrupt the proceedings with his bizarre announcement, and then immediately fell asleep. While he supposed Jake and Dirk were technically his friends, they hadn’t talked in a while, so their drama seemed more like celebrity drama than anything, and John was on the record as not giving half a shit about celebrities. Every channel on the TV would be interrupted for an emergency Jake broadcast, so there was no point in staying up, blankly watching reruns of Friends.

John checked his PDA. Mornings without at least one message, from one of his friends, were rare. It was usually Jade that texted him. Sometimes, when he could muster up the energy, he texted her back. The rest of his friends, however, had learned to give him space, after the 500th time he had said he wanted them to.

Oddly enough, however, this morning’s text of the day was from Dave. He and Dave had gotten somewhat distant even before he locked himself in his house, as Dave was busy with Jade and Karkat all the time. They seemed to be only communicating to keep up their 1025 day long snap streak, and even that was broken, when John smashed his iPhone. He was using his dad’s old PDA these days; it had pesterchum and that was all he needed.

He read the messages, and, he couldn’t deny, they gave him a bit of a laugh. He hadn’t thought about Elefun in a while. It was a game he used to play with his dad when he was little, and the occasional friend he had over. The butterflies were made out of fabric, though, not hard plastic, so he felt he had to correct Dave. However, as his finger hovered over the button to pester him, he had second thoughts. It had been, what, nearly three months since the last message he sent to Dave? And here he was, trying to start the conversation with Elefun? He decided he’d need to send Dave a proper message, an apology perhaps. But he didn’t have the energy to do that, and all that was on TV were morning talk shows, which were garbage. So, John resolved to try and get back to sleep on the couch. He didn’t bother setting an alarm; he’d probably wake up after noon or something.

Quite unfortunately for John’s midmorning napping plans, however, a knocking from the inside of his chimney disturbs him. What the fuck, he thinks. Was Dave honestly serious about coming over? All possible questions he’d had were answered when he saw a very ash-covered Dave crawl out of his fireplace like an excruciatingly determined raccoon. 

DAVE: no fire huh  
DAVE: thanks for your courtesy but you forgot the milk and cookies my good bitch  
JOHN: were you...expecting there to be a fire?  
JOHN: and you came down the chimney anyway?  
DAVE: im used to fires in my line of work john  
DAVE: being earth cs best soundcloud rapper im exposed to sick burns on a daily basis  
DAVE: fireplaces are fucking chump shit compared to the diss tracks people write about me all the time  
DAVE: but yeah no i thought you said you take this fireplace shit seriously  
DAVE: wheres the fire egbert  
JOHN: bluh, i haven’t really had the motivation.  
JOHN: you know, what the fuck are you doing here?  
JOHN: we haven’t spoken in months!  
JOHN: aren’t you busy kissing karkat?  
DAVE: im going to pretend i didnt hear that  
DAVE: and didnt also hear that shit from several other people before you last night  
DAVE: and that i wont hear that ever again as long as i live and that maybe ill have some fucking peace for once  
DAVE: im just here to shoot the shit though  
DAVE: and also to tell you everyones worried about you  
DAVE: you know staying cooped up like this aint healthy  
DAVE: on a health spectrum going from fuckin uh  
DAVE: palaeo veganist to greasy otaku living in the basement  
DAVE: youre sitting cozy at a solid neet with no personal relationships outside r/incels  
DAVE: not to pass judgement on your ability to get laid i mean  
JOHN: have either of us actually done that?  
DAVE: i have, with your mom  
JOHN: i thought you hated jane?  
JOHN: or are you and her kismewhatevers  
JOHN: you know, some humans are trying that!  
DAVE: wait shit i forgot your mom was an actual viable option  
DAVE: whos ass ive commented on more times than i can count  
DAVE: nevermind im trying so hard to cheer you up im acting like im 13 again  
JOHN: why would i need cheering up?  
DAVE: do you want me to rewind time and send you back to my otaku incel comment  
JOHN: no, but like...  
JOHN: i’ve been informed that you never leave the house these days either!  
JOHN: i thought it was fine, cause you were spending all day with karkat, and it’s pretty normal when you’re in love.  
JOHN: but you’re not doing anything either!  
DAVE: i founded a webcomic empire the size of planet jupiter  
DAVE: shits huger than janes shitty monopolistic bakery conglomerate  
DAVE: and significantly less capitalistic because i dont export work to sweatshops in the troll kingdom  
DAVE: i pay my workers (me) a fair and living (millions of fucking boonbucks a day) wage  
DAVE: the 1483 page chapter where its just jakes ass going on adventures made me billions on its own  
DAVE: and thats not even fucking mentioning sbahj which is thriving to the point where those properties on their own are worth multiple billions  
DAVE: im the bill fucking gates of earth c and i made all this money through mass producing my own masterpieces every hour of every day  
DAVE: do you even have a job  
JOHN: well...no!  
JOHN: but ive been working out!  
JOHN: check this out!  
John effortlessly lifts Dave into the air one-handed. He doesn’t even strain or sweat. He has truly inherited his dad’s strength.

JOHN: could someone who was sad and mopey all the time do this?  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: but if youre not sad why don’t you hang out with us  
JOHN: well, you’re all adults now, and...  
JOHN: roxy has calliope, you, jade and karkat have each other.  
JOHN: jane and jake are heads of companies, and dirk seems busy all the time too.  
JOHN: rose and kanaya are reviving the troll race!  
JOHN: and terezi’s flown off to the middle of nowhere i think?  
JOHN: and it’s great that you’re all doing important things!  
JOHN: but i’m just a conniseur of classic films and a buff guy.  
JOHN: i figured youd all just kinda moved on from me, and your childhoods, and would wanna focus on your real adult problems, instead of hanging out with me and rewatching con air.  
DAVE: dude were 21  
DAVE: i know youre still 20 which kind of does make you comparatively a newborn  
DAVE: but were not adults and i know for a fact jake would be stoked to rewatch con air with you  
DAVE: and id be stoked to watch an actual good movie tbh  
JOHN: im glad!  
JOHN: but that’s just you, right now, drunk.  
JOHN: i figure everyone else is focused on their own business  
JOHN: like rose  
JOHN: i really miss rose  
DAVE: im not even drunk anymore actually  
JOHN: if you’re not drunk, why did you do the chimney thing?  
DAVE: god dammit john cant i make good on a santa claus joke once in my life  
DAVE: and even if i didnt doors are for fucking chumps   
JOHN: haha, you’re so weird!  
DAVE: but anyways   
DAVE: our friends would be perfectly happy to come over  
DAVE: like i told you everyones worried about you dude  
JOHN: i dont believe you!  
DAVE: ok how about this  
DAVE: ill have all our friends come to the house sometime this week  
DAVE: whenever theyre free cause trust me theyll make space in their calendars  
DAVE: if i manage to make it happen you have to stop being a shut-in  
JOHN: youre on!  
JOHN: but only cause i know you’ll lose!  
DAVE: dude thats kinda depressing  
JOHN: can i take my nap now?  
DAVE: only if you put me down  
JOHN: oops, sorry!  
Now freed from John’s grip, Dave offers a peace sign and the goofiest grin he can muster before trying to crawl back in the fireplace. All things considered, it’s not the most impressive or outwardly joyous smile, but John smiles back anyways. He watches his comrade in godhood as he finally manages to escape through the chimney, laughing to himself at the obvious struggle, and finally makes good on his plan to go take a nap.

\---

Dave, meanwhile, once again at the top of the chimney, took a moment to contemplate. The obvious options, of course, were Jade and Karkat, who were of course his roommates and apparently simultaneously blowing up his phone. He took one look at the gray and green barrage on his phone and immediately decided not to bother. He could answer their questions when he got home.

The flight to the apartment was nothing out of the ordinary, but the feeling of the wind on his face and the faint bustle of traffic far below was almost soothing. If nothing else, it was a moment of peace. Dave had had a complicated day, between getting home, passing out on the couch, waking up, and groggily sneaking out to be santa one week too late, and he was fine to just stare at passing cars as he soared through the air. Unfortunately, his moment of peace ended when he touched down at the hive.

In accordance with his newfound hatred of doors, he decided to enter through one of the many windows, fuck if he knew which room it went to from the outside. Unfortunately, after tumbling head over ass through the curtains, he discovered that this window went to Karkat’s bedroom. Karkat appeared to be quite busy typing away on a husktop, likely managing his many sockpuppet accounts that he’d created to promote Dave’s work and make them even richer. Karkat looked behind at the window, and nearly jumped out of his carapace when he saw Dave.

KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DAVE. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?  
DAVE: oh you know  
DAVE: prancing around doing fuckall  
DAVE: being the brand new santa of earth c all in a days work on january first  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE PASSED OUT ON OUR COUCH. THEN, YOU FUCKING DISAPPEARED. DID YOU NOT THINK ABOUT ME AND JADE AT ALL, OR WERE YOU FUCKING ABDUCTED?  
KARKAT: I EVEN THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE DIED, AND THEN, I DON’T KNOW, VANISHED OR SOMETHING?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WERE YOU DOING?  
Dave realized why, exactly, Jade and Karkat blew up his phone. He was avoiding Jade to some extent because of the drama that went down last night. He knew she meddled in Jake’s relationship, perhaps a bit too much, and was the reason Dirk was devastated. But he also wasn’t sure what she did was entirely wrong; he just know it was gonna cause him a lot of stress next time he met up with Dirk. He didn’t know whether to confront her or to brush the whole thing off, and he didn’t how she was feeling about the whole thing. So he avoided her entirely.

But Karkat didn’t deserve to deal with the fallout. He wasn’t even there when that bullshit went down. So, Dave figured he did somewhat owe him an apology.

DAVE: sorry i was at johns  
DAVE: i wanted to get away cause of the whole dirk/jake breakup thing  
DAVE: i think jakes stupid-ass way of handling it mightve been jades idea  
DAVE: and i dont know how to deal with that  
DAVE: like yeah i meddled too my names not dr scott free   
DAVE: i dont have a phd in being completely uninvolved in shit  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: i talked to dirk and he seemed to think he should break up with jake himself  
DAVE: idk man i felt bad and shit yknow  
KARKAT: OH. SHIT.  
KARKAT: WELL, I’M AT LEAST GLAD THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY JUST BEING A MANCHILD AGAIN INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, DYING A HEROIC DEATH OF ALCOHOL POISONING.  
KARKAT: OR ACTUALLY IT WOULD PROBABLY BE JUST, AFTER THIS BULLSHIT STUNT.  
KARKAT: YOUR ESCAPIST TENDENCIES ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME, DAVE, I FUCKING SWEAR.  
KARKAT: BUT SERIOUSLY, COULD YOU I DON’T KNOW, COMMUNICATE WITH US FOR ONCE? INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS AND WORRYING EVERYBODY? LIKE, FUCK, I HATE TO SAY IT LIKE THAT, BUT I’M PRETTY FUCKING FRUSTRATED ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: EVERY TIME YOU GO HIDING WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG, IT HURTS THE PEOPLE CLOSE TO YOU WHO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR WELLBEING. WE *DO* CARE ABOUT YOU, AFTER ALL, DAVE.  
DAVE: not this again  
DAVE: i know i know but like  
DAVE: its not like ive managed to find an actually decent fucking therapist  
DAVE: you cant walk five feet through the mental health field without stubbing your toe on one  
DAVE: but its like if jesus christ himself came down from the heavens looking for a therapist because he has crippling paranoia  
DAVE: and poor jeezy boy cant trust anybody not to go back on him anymore  
DAVE: everyones a potential judas and youre scared youll get crucified if you start talking shit on the system again  
DAVE: because the republicans stopped fucking listening to you even though they pretend they do  
DAVE: thats the boat im in right now except obviously with a little less jesus  
DAVE: but do you get what im saying  
DAVE: everyones too fixated on the idea that im a literal fucking god and cant conceivably have an actual problem  
DAVE: or that i cant wish it away with magic shit  
DAVE: believe me ive fucking tried  
DAVE: ive tried so hard and got so far  
DAVE: but in the end it doesnt even matter because they all somehow equate being able to do time shit with omnipotence or whatever  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: ugh  
Several moments of the world’s most tense, awkward, horrible silence pass. Dave refuses to meet Karkat’s eyes, instead looking at his shoes like the dirt on the edges was as beautiful as the Mona Lisa. He knows Karkat doesn’t believe it, he never has. He never even believed in the virtues of therapy, much less tried to seek out professional help. The little bastard had retained the most alternian ideas out of any of the surviving trolls, stubbornness and attitudes towards recovery included. If Dave was honest with himself, actually, he found it supremely frustrating considering that Karkat himself had trauma from the meteor that he was still working through. And yet, therapy was still out of the question.

Still, Dave had to admit to himself that he wasn’t even trying to be more considerate. He was still sneaking out semi-regularly no matter how much Karkat admonished him for it. It was easier to just do what his damaged brain told him to, instead of struggling to resist his impulses. Dave mentally hit himself for putting the blame on his poor therapist situation. He needed to try, he brooded.

Dave’s brooding was quite rudely interrupted by the sudden revelation that he’d been intending to invite his roommates to come hang out with John, rather than argue with Karkat for the umpteenth time about his personal problems. He didn’t give a fuck about the abruptness regardless, he just wanted to stop talking about it. He knew Karkat would be fine with the change in subject, anyhow.

DAVE: oh yeah by the way  
DAVE: bullshit aside do you wanna go hang out with john sometime  
KARKAT: JOHN’S STILL FUCKING REAL?  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT AT THIS RATE HIS ENTIRE BODY WOULD’VE ATROPHIED BY NOW AND HE’D BE COMPLETELY IMMOBILE.  
KARKAT: BUT YEAH, I’D LOVE TO ‘HANG OUT’ WITH HIM.  
KARKAT: HAS HE STOPPED REJECTING ALL OF MY MAGNANIMOUS FUCKING OFFERS?  
DAVE: ugh  
DAVE: me and him actually made a bet  
DAVE: if i get everyone to his house hell stop being a shut-in  
KARKAT: I DOUBT HE’D ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH THAT.  
DAVE: yeah well theres only one way to find out  
DAVE: you wanna take the chance  
KARKAT: SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
KARKAT: WORST CASE SCENARIO, I GET TO SEE JOHN AGAIN.  
DAVE: fuck yeah  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD GET OVER YOURSELF FOR A BIT, GO TELL JADE.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, SHE CAME CRYING LATE LAST NIGHT, ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE REGRETTED BREAKING UP DIRK AND JAKE.  
KARKAT: SHE’D TEXTED DIRK ABOUT IT AND APPARENTLY HE DIDN’T RESPOND.  
KARKAT: SHE THOUGHT DIRK MIGHT’VE FUCKING OFFED HIMSELF RIGHT THEN AND THERE.  
KARKAT: I TOLD HER THAT NO, THE STRIDERS ARE ALL JUST FUCKING ESCAPISTS, HE’S PROBABLY AVOIDING HIS PHONE IF YOUR HABITS ARE ANY INDICATION.  
DAVE: can you literally not  
DAVE: not right now  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE.  
KARKAT: POINT IS, SHE PROBABLY FEELS AS BAD ABOUT THIS AS YOU DO, AND YOU SHOULD FUCKING TALK TO HER.  
DAVE: point taken  
DAVE: where is she anyways  
KARKAT: SHE’S WORKING ON SOMETHING AT THE UNIVERSITY RIGHT NOW. YOU ACTUALLY JUST MISSED HER.   
DAVE: oh ok  
DAVE: im gonna go and interrupt her  
DAVE: cause you and i both know that particle physics is fuckin uh, fake and gay  
DAVE: like on the priority list of life its right below “wash the fucking windows” and “do the laundry”  
DAVE: you know its nowhere near as important as “make dave and everyone else eat shit constantly all the time because they fucking suck”  
DAVE: anyway see ya  
Dave flew out the same window he came in, with a peace sign just a little bit more uncomfortable than usual. Jade had been offered an honorary professorship at a very prestigious troll kingdom university, named Harley University in her honor. From what she’d told him, he remembered that she initially had declined, not wanting to fill her resume with meaningless credentials like Jane did. Regardless of her stance, the university had insisted on bestowing some honor on its actual namesake. It seemed to mean a lot to the board, from what he’d been told, so Jade couldn’t really weasel out of it, though he recalled her complaints with something a little bit like amusement. 

However, she seemed to feel the need to do something to earn it, and had agreed to help out at the university. She’d told them she’d signed on as “some sort of all-purpose physics research assistant,” and that though she found the obligation kind of annoying, the research itself wasn’t so bad. Apparently they wanted to research her space powers, something like that, and she’d said that they seemed to think it might prove useful for the “scientific future of Earth C.” When he got to the university, he wound up having to ask around, but found out from one of the various dusty old professors that Jade was underground, tinkering at the particle accelerator.

When he came down, he found Jade hard at work, fiddling with dials and writing down numbers, the purpose for which he wasn’t sure he’d understand if he tried. Though he watched her ear twitch a little, he was fairly certain she didn’t hear him. Even after all these years, his footfalls were still almost completely inaudible. The guard standing by the door gave him a look stuck between befuddlement and “don’t fucking do that,” which Dave prudently ignored. He managed to stand behind Jade for a solid minute before her hands were free enough for him to feel comfortable disrupting her. He tapped twice on her shoulder with a little more force than was probably necessary.

JADE: aaah! don’t sneak up on me like that! D:  
DAVE: hey do you have a couple minutes  
DAVE: if not i can stop time all za warudo style i just need to talk to you  
DAVE: shitll be crazy ill point knives at you  
DAVE: wait i didnt mean to actually threaten you with violence  
DAVE: you should watch jjba is my point  
JADE: im a busy girl, not some weird nerd!  
JADE: im not too busy to talk though!  
JADE: unless... is this about jake and dirk? :(  
DAVE: do you want it to be  
JADE: idk...  
DAVE: for whats it worth i think we both could’ve handled it better  
DAVE: and i don’t think what happened was entirely your fault  
JADE: hm...i’ll talk, yeah.  
JADE: but we should probably have this conversation upstairs  
JADE: the grad students are staring :(  
JADE: im gonna take five, everybody! be back soon!  
Jade waved goodbye to a group of hardworking 20-somethings, all of whom answered to her, and seemed to respect her for her expertise. Damn.

DAVE: how are you such a professional  
DAVE: are you the most mature adult out of all of us  
JADE: im not really  
JADE: like i might seem like a bigshot lab-coat wearing scientist and all that, but...  
JADE: im still the same jade, even here!  
JADE: in fact, i’ve had sex with a lot of those grad students! hehe  
DAVE: point taken thanks  
DAVE: please literally never mention that ever again  
The two of them continued upstairs, to a very poorly designed cafe stowed neatly away in a space about as cramped as an attic. Instead of seating, there were three very uncomfortable couches, built under a set of stairs. As Dave settled into one of them, he reflected that his ass hurt just a little bit more from sitting on the lumpy couch than the lumpy rock last night. If Dave was honest with himself, that was a frankly impressive failure in couch design. Not even a neanderthal could do any worse. His internal couch riffing was abruptly stopped when Jade sat down just a tad too carelessly, enough to get bonked in the head by the stairs just above.

JADE: ow! i always hit my head on that thing :(  
DAVE: yeah this sure is a conksuck place  
DAVE: feels like it was built by dudes who cant even put together ikea furniture  
DAVE: scratchin their goddamn brainless heads ogling the assembly directions like good job a fucking monkey could do better than this  
JADE: so...about jake and dirk?  
DAVE: oh fuck right  
DAVE: ok dont take this the wrong way  
DAVE: but i just wanna know  
DAVE: what did you say to jake that made him decide to do  
DAVE: that  
JADE: he made that decision on his own, you know?  
JADE: you gotta give him more credit!  
JADE: i just nudged him towards seeing how controlling dirk was being  
JADE: told him about a few incidents from the night that rubbed me the wrong way  
JADE: that sort of thing!  
DAVE: oh ok  
DAVE: so he made the ass backwards decision to announce his breakup publicly out of his own empty head  
JADE: hey, don’t be rude!  
JADE: but yeah...  
JADE: i didn’t want him to do that :(  
JADE: but...he is a celebrity  
JADE: as is dirk  
JADE: the tabloids would’ve found out sooner or later, even if he did do it privately  
JADE: so i suppose he was thinking of pre-empting them?  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: i just thought that like  
DAVE: maybe he forgot about appropriate timing  
DAVE: remember he *was* as wasted as the rest of us if not more  
JADE: yeah, that too  
JADE: woof, it was a crazy night…  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: oh also something else that doesnt make me wanna claw my eyes out  
DAVE: you wanna hang with john sometime soon  
DAVE: i made a deal if i can get everyone else in his house hell start being a person again  
DAVE: what do you say  
JADE: oh!! yeah ill try and find some time soon!!  
JADE: i miss him honestly :( i text him a lot still but he doesn’t always respond…  
JADE: we’re close to a breakthrough here so im unusually busy lately  
JADE: but i’ll let you know!  
JADE: maybe later i can help with the party planning too  
DAVE: yeah thatd be great  
DAVE: just dont make this one of your big bashes  
DAVE: with the disco and the lights  
DAVE: john hasnt been anywhere more exciting than his kitchen in months we don’t wanna overwhelm him  
JADE: you underestimate my party planning ability :P  
JADE: i can do casual get-togethers and make them fun!  
JADE: heck, ill start a memo!  
JADE: im excited for this :D  
JADE: thanks dave!  
DAVE: nah its no problem  
DAVE: really if anyone should be thanking me its john  
DAVE: im the one rounding up everybody to party dunk on him  
DAVE: gonna smother the little bastard in friendship and other cool emotions like he hasnt experienced since the last time he saw the fucking sun  
JADE: friendship isnt an emotion fucknuts!!!!  
JADE: we’ve been over this!!!  
DAVE: ok fair but still  
DAVE: if you could do the memo thing thatd be great actually  
DAVE: might make the corralling easier  
JADE: hehe yeah  
JADE: ok i gotta get back to the accelerator ASAP!  
JADE: see you!  
DAVE: you too jade  
Jade walked off, her tail swaying behind her. Dave got off the couch, as standing was probably more comfortable, all things considered, and pulled out his phone.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 09:33  
TG: operation party planning is a go  
TG: ill get you out of that house yet o noble neet in distress  
TG: we can all be your functional motherfuckers in shining armor  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 09:34  
John was...probably still asleep actually, come to think of it. He did say he would keep napping until noon, after all. Dave left the university, and flew the long distance to his favorite cafe in the human kingdom, to get some long overdue breakfast.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:52  
EB: we’ll see about that!  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:53  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> closing statement from arjun: "uh, this was a bit of a transitional chapter thank vince for that good good davekat angst"
> 
> closing statement from vince: looks like things are still going to stay a little bit at this pace for a while until they start getting a little happier? i do want to say that after a while i want the characters to all start working through their collective issues, as this IS supposed to be a fix-it fic, but like its obviously not instantaneous, ell of ell. still. thank you for reading!


	3. I Can't Turn This Thing Off

gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on board get john out of his house party!!!!  
GG: ugh it was a pain in the ass disabling all the timeline stuff!  
GG: and installing trollian  
GG: anyways the purpose of this memo is to plan a party at john’s house!  
GG: we need to go around and invite everyone.  
GG: id recommend doing this in person, since personalized invitations are always the best!  
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.  
TG: do you personally invite everyone to each and every one of your multitude of parties  
TG: impressive work ethic but you still have too many party points jade  
GG: well...no!  
GG: but after the party last night i think it’d be great if we all went and checked on each other  
GG: plus some people might take some convincing  
GG: like rose and kanaya are always really busy!  
GG: and they’re not the best at responding to texts  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.  
CG: MAYBE TO YOUR TEXTS.  
CG: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN INVITE ME TO THIS MEMO?  
CG: AND IS FUTURE KARKAT HERE? MUST I ENGAGE IN SELF-FLAGELLATION WHILE ALSO HAVING NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON?   
GG: no, dummy! i disabled all the timeline stuff, didn’t you see??  
CG: OH. UH  
CG: NO. AS YOU AND DAVE ARE WELL AWARE, I PRIDE MYSELF EXCLUSIVELY ON MY ILLITERACY AND MY COPIOUS AMOUNT OF SELF LOATHING. THIS HAS BEEN WELL-ESTABLISHED.  
CG: ANYWAYS WHY AM I IN A PARTY PLANNING MEMO? I JUST AGREED TO GO HANG OUT WITH EGBERT, NOT TO ACTUALLY PLAN THE GODDAMN PARTY.  
CG: I DON’T PLAN PARTIES, I’M TOO BUSY WITH OTHER BULLSHIT.  
TG: like using elaborate internet trolling schemes to boost the popularity of sweet bro and hella jeff  
TG: its like youre some kind of shut in obsessively promoting his friend’s douchey emo band  
TG: you know the kind that sing exclusively about self pity and their broken heart and their ex dumped them  
TG: even though in like every other song its excruciatingly obvious why they got dumped like a sack of yesterdays turds  
CG: YES, EXACTLY.  
CG: *THANKS*, DAVE.  
GG: i think you already know why i invited you, karkat  
GG: you have an in with kanaya!  
GG: just like i have an in with jake  
GG: and dave has an in with dirk  
TG: uh actually i think id prefer to avoid dirk for as long as possible  
TG: like if one person definitely is to blame for what went down last night its probably him  
TG: and like quite frankly hes beginning to remind me a bit of my bro  
TG: and btw karkat  
TG: he actually texted me something really angry about his break-up with jake  
TG: so im not just being an escapist here i have legitimate reasons to worry  
TG: cause like if any of us won “most likely to commit a murder” in school or whatever its definitely him  
TG: hell probably be over it by tomorrow though  
TG: i can talk to roxy and calliope today if you want me to pull my weight or whatever  
GG: i was thinking it’d just be fine to text them!  
GG: like they’re probably the most likely to agree  
TG: nah i mean i gotta thank roxy for taking karkat home last night  
TG: its gotta be a herculean task listening to him ramble at you  
CG: HEY, FUCK YOU!  
TG: i was kidding  
CG: ... I KNEW THAT.  
CG: AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DAVE, ME AND ROXY HIT IT OFF QUITE WELL.  
CG: I DON’T REALLY HANG OUT WITH THE “ALPHA” KIDS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GUYS CALL THEM, BUT I THINK SHE AND I GET ALONG JUST FINE.  
TG: fuck yeah roxys the shit  
TG: like out of all of them shes only second to bro  
TG: *dirk  
TG: fuck where did that come from  
TG: uh anyways you wanna be on roxy duty or nah  
CG: NO, BECAUSE THEN I’D BE DOING HALF THE WORK FOR A TASK I DID NOT SIGN UP TO DO.  
CG: AND BESIDES, I DON’T WANT TO RISK GOING NEAR CALLIOPE.  
GG: why not? D:  
GG: i love calliope! she’s so sweet!!  
CG: SHE’S A CHERUB, JADE. IT’S A COMMON TROLL SUPERSTITION THAT THEY CAN RIP OUT YOUR SOUL WITH A TOUCH.  
TG: karkat  
TG: calliope couldnt hurt a fly  
TG: literally  
TG: roxy swatted one in front of her once and she straight up broke down crying  
TG: besides that sounds vaguely troll racist actually  
CG: IT’S NOT A “RACE” THING.  
CG: SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE TROLL CULTURE’S PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH.  
CG: WOULD YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO LOOKED LIKE A SKELETON?  
TG: actually there is in fact a skeleton inside of my body right now as we speak  
TG: you know  
TG: doing skeleton things  
CG: FUCK, THERE IS? ARE YOU OKAY, DAVE?  
CG: DO YOU NEED ME TO COME TO THE AU BON PAIN AND HELP YOU?  
TG: what  
TG: no  
TG: literally all of us have skeletons inside our bodies its like one of the first things we learn in kindergarten  
TG: did i not warn you about bones bro  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? SO HUMANS REPRESENT DEATH AS THEIR OWN INTERNAL ORGANS?  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY FUCKED UP.  
CG: WATCH OUT, IT’S MR. HEART COMING TO GET YOU! OH NO, THE APPENDIX MAN WILL RIP OUT YOUR OCULAR SPHERES IF YOU DON’T RUN AWAY FAST ENOUGH! ET CETERA ET CETERA.  
GG: you sure know a lot about human anatomy for someone who didnt know what a skeleton was!  
CG: TROLLS HAVE APPENDIXES TOO, JADE. ACTUALLY, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK THEY WERE ALSO A HUMAN THING UNTIL YOU POINTED THAT OUT.  
TG: whoa stop the fucking presses this is the most shocking revelation since my weird infant horse bib turned out to be from rose’s actual fucking horse  
TG: poor fucking maplehoof got applesauce stains all over her ass post-mortem  
TG: thats the most horrible fate i can think of for any animal alive or dead  
TG: like jesus fucking christ  
GG: anyways!!!!  
GG: we should get to it!  
GG: ive been waiting for so long for john to leave his house  
GG: and now i finally have a chance at that!  
GG: idk why i didnt think of entering his house sooner!  
GG: how did you do it dave? he always keeps his doors locked  
TG: uh  
TG: lets just say  
TG: i work in mysterious ways  
GG: hehe!  
GG: i suppose some part of you is still cool  
TG: yeah im cool as beans  
TG: you know  
TG: sometimes i forget how nice it is talking to you guys  
GG: yeah... it sounds sad when you put it like that though, dave!  
CG: I MEAN, IT IS PRETTY EASY TO FORGET THAT WE'RE ACTUAL FRIENDS WHEN WE'RE BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS OR BERATING EACH OTHER FOR HAVING FLAWS.  
CG: BUT YOU'RE RIGHT, HUH. IT'S... NICE.  
GG: i love you two!  
TG: ...  
CG: I APPRECIATE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.  
TG: yeah that  
GG: oh...  
TG: so whats the plan  
GG: dave, you go to calliope and roxy’s!  
GG: ill go to jakes!  
GG: karkat can go to rose and kanayas!  
GG: we can deal with jane and dirk later!  
GG: party planning team is a go!  
GG: pchooooo  
TG: we have LIFDOFF  
GG: hehe  
GG closed memo.  
When Jade had texted Jake, he informed her that he was at Jane’s, but she could also come. This made Jade kind of uneasy. She had started out with a vaguely positive yet primarily ambivalent attitude towards Jane. She was Jade’s mother after all, and Jade respected that, but she still felt that they didn’t have a lot in common. Her interests were similar to John’s, but she lacked a lot of the endearing, goofy charm John used to have. As time went on, she also became more and more domineering, and more concerned with business domination. While running skaianet was just fun for Jake, an extension of his television celebrity, Jane seemed deathly serious about running Crockercorp, as if their lives would all end if her quarterly earnings went down.  
Jade didn’t have a formal job, and that was because, while she liked doing things and helping people, she much preferred to shoot the shit with Dave and Karkat for most of her day. Plus, she was aware of the fact that they were gods, and that no matter what, they’d never be judged on their own merits. Jane didn’t seem aware of this fact, and moreover, prioritized work over friendship, like an old businessman who would throw his cellphone into the river in one of Jake’s favorite movies.  
Jade thought that maybe she should stop rationalizing. She just didn’t like Jane, like Dave and Karkat didn’t like Jane. Still, Jake liked Jane and so she could, occasionally, be brought to tolerate her.  
When Jade arrived at Jane’s mansion, she saw Jane and Jake on the patio, having a drink. She used her powerful ears to listen in on the conversation, and find a good place to interrupt. She soon found that pretty much every place in that conversation was crying out for an interruption.  
JAKE: You know i dont know why you keep the old liquor cabinet stocked with only whiskey. Dont you have some nice vodka for an old fellow like me to drown my sorrows in?  
JANE: I don’t think you should be drinking vodka after the party last night.  
JAKE: You gotta take drinking like an adventure and what sort of adventure is it if you restrict yourself to alcohols best suited for the dames?  
JAKE: No offense of course.  
JANE: None taken.  
JANE: Anyways, Jake.  
JANE: Would you be willing to consider entering into a corporate partnership with Crockercorp?  
JANE: Allowing us to use your...marketable commodities in advertising for a time not exceeding five years but no less than three.  
JAKE: Ah youve prepared for something havent you?  
JAKE: I say phooey to all this corporate stuff! Just throw your phone into the river!  
JANE: That phone cost me nearly a boon-  
JAKE: Its a metaphor! For how you should lighten up have some vodka with me and allow me to drown my sorrows at you.  
JADE: hi!!!! i hope i’m not interrupting anything!  
JANE: No, it’s fine. Please, sit down!  
A carapacian servant entered the patio after her, pulling up a chair from inside for Jade. Jade met his gaze for a short yet unsettling moment, his glassy stare widening. He scuttled back into the mansion about as quickly as he came out, pulling his dapper little hat further down on his head. Something about his demeanor alarmed Jade, yet she didn’t find it important enough to bring up.  
Jane looked up at her from her comfortable seat on the patio, one eyebrow quirked, with her lips drawn thin. Jake, meanwhile, seemed a little startled to see her, as if he hadn’t noticed her arrival to begin with. Regardless, he waved at her with overly enthusiastic force. Oddly enough, this enthusiasm put Jade at ease a fair bit, enough so that she actually felt she could sit down in relative peace. Though Jane’s expression made her uneasy, she felt that she’d be unwilling to start shit in Jake’s presence.  
JANE: So, what did you want to see me and Jake for anywho?  
JADE: i wanted to invite you two to a party! it’s at john’s house!  
JANE: Another party? I know your lifestyle-  
JADE: dave said that he made a bet with john! if we all gather at his house, he’ll see that we care about him and stop declining our requests to hang out!  
JADE: would you want to go or not?!  
JANE: I’d be delighted to get John out of the house for once, but shouldn’t a young lady like you know to manage her tone?  
JANE: Come to think of it, though, I don’t think I’ve seen John in over a year now?  
JADE: yeah, me neither...  
JADE: that’s why i’m hoping this works out  
JANE: Me too. Although, is Dave really organizing the party?  
JANE: Because, and pardon my rudeness, I don’t want it to be a repeat of John’s 18th.  
JADE: what was wrong with johns 18th? i thought it was great!  
JANE: Dave engaged me in a spirited debate about the economy, because I briefly mentioned it in passing?  
JANE: It’s probably one of the more bizarre things that’s ever happened to me.  
JANE: And that’s including...well, everything that has happened to me! :B  
JADE: oh...ill try to keep in dave in check!  
JADE: id recommend you avoid him  
JADE: hes way too passionate about politics sometimes :(  
JADE: don’t get me wrong, hes my best friend and stuff but hes been bizarrely interested in the economy lately  
JADE: im 90 percent sure he just has a crush on obama...  
JANE: Obama didn’t even have a mustache! How tasteless.  
JANE: You know, I’m glad we’re having a pleasant conversation for once, actually.  
JANE: Things are usually so tense between us.  
JADE: hehe, yeah!  
Let’s be real here: Jade was dying inside. Although she did find Dave’s interest in politics odd, and was glad to get to vent about it, she wasn’t exactly enthused to do it to someone who had even more of an interest in politics, who she didn’t agree with on top of it. But, no matter how angry she was, a confrontation with Jane would ruin her day even further. So, she had to try her hardest to be nice.  
JAKE: By the way i didnt want to interrupt your neat little chat here but id also love to attend this party if john would invite me to casa egbert!  
JAKE: Oh, its been a while since me and John have had a good scrum together!   
JANE: I hope you won’t be fighting John at the party, Jake.  
JANE: Really, I know you grew up in the woods, but you need more decorum.  
Jade started to wonder if she’d driven Jake out of the frying pan and into the fire.  
JAKE: Jane my dear girl, you don’t understand the purity of a good fight between brothers!   
Whew.  
JADE: yeah, john’s been working out!  
JADE: i bet he’ll be even harder to beat hehe!  
JAKE: Oh gee willikers! I bet I’ll be able to win this time, cause I’ve been practicing some new moves!  
Nobody got to see Jake’s new moves, however, because, Jane’s phone started ringing. Jake, true to his promise earlier, decided to pick it up and throw it across Jane’s front lawn. Jane used a flip phone, so it was thankfully unharmed.  
JANE: That was an important call! The nerve of you...   
JAKE: I’m sorry that was an attempt at a joke that ended up being such a huge boner on my part.  
Jane didn’t hear his apology, as she was already halfway across the lawn at that point.  
JADE: you know...jake... ive actually been meaning to talk you  
JADE: i was planning on doing it later  
JADE: but now that jane’s gone-  
JAKE: What about Jane? I’ll have you know she’s a perfectly fine-  
JADE: i mean...  
JADE: now that we’re alone, i feel free to talk!  
JAKE: Oh yeah, heh heh. It always is so much easier to talk about your problems when youre on your lonesome with only one faithful friend by your side.  
JADE: its about dave and karkat... :(  
JADE: i keep trying to get them to accept that they should date!  
JADE: but they don’t, and its frustrating  
JADE: theyve both separately confessed to me that they like each other  
JADE: jake, why can’t they just get married or something?  
JADE: they act like they are anyways…  
JAKE: Uh well with me and dirk what he did was he told me he loved me pretty much immediately.  
JAKE: And I just went along with it cause there was nothing else to do.  
JAKE: I thought he might have changed since the first time we dated.  
JAKE: But that was the same way our relationship started the first time and now it’s ended the same way too.  
JADE: so youre trying to tell me its good to take things slow...?  
JAKE: Dirk… *sniff* *sob*  
JADE: oh, im sorry jake :(  
Jake continued to cry for a bit. Jade decided to pat him on his shoulder, and he immediately straightened up.  
JAKE: Well i didnt mean to cry in front of you. Where are my manners as jane always says.  
JAKE: But yeah about this party you were talking about im in meetings all day tomorrow and a lot of the rest of this week.  
JAKE: Got to enter into these important meetings with the government! Anti-trust hearings! You know how it is!  
JADE: i don’t! but i dont wanna intrude on an important sounding thing like that?  
JADE: when are you free?  
JAKE: The third! Jane is free then too she took the whole week off.  
JAKE: For my benefit I think.  
JAKE: Im so lucky to have a friend like her!  
JADE: right… lucky :/  
JAKE: Yeah! Anyways jade would you mind leaving? Its just I need some time to myself right now. Myself and Jane.  
JADE: yeah, i understand, i think!  
JADE: see ya!  
JAKE: Tally-ho!  
Jade flew off. She was worried about Jake, but excited for his anti-trust hearing. She would have to ask Dave what that was later. Nevertheless, after she had meddled so hard in his life, she decided to respect his wishes, even if they were vaguely insensitive as always. Jake was so socially oblivious sometimes.  
She decided to update Karkat and Dave on the date of the party, making sure to note it was non-negotiable. Then, she decided to go back to Dave and Karkat’s house. She had left her bass there, after all, and she was sure they wouldn’t mind her staying another night.

\---  
Karkat didn’t have the luxury of flying everywhere. Dave would always complain about how he had to fly 500 miles and it took him 3 whole hours. That’d take Karkat 7 hours by car. Luckily, the drive to where Kanaya was was only 20 minutes, although her apartment was further into the human kingdom. The decision to live there seemed asinine to Karkat, and he wondered if it wasn’t just to make her commutes with Rose longer. Flying with a god tier, Karkat reflected, was really fun.  
Karkat found Kanaya in the breeding caverns. Ground had very recently been broken on the section that was to house the mother grub. Indeed, Kanaya was placing the infant mother grub in that section at the moment.  
KARKAT: WOW, I SURE FUCKING MANAGED TO STUMBLE IN ON AN IMPORTANT MOMENT.  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS NOW? I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T PLANNING ON DOING THIS UNTIL THE THIRD.  
KANAYA: It Is The Start Of A Human New Year And Thus A New Year On Earth C  
KANAYA: Rose Says It Is A Great Time For A Ceremonious Occasion Like This  
KANAYA: Plus The Day Of The Disciple Falls On The Third This Year  
KARKAT: FUCK, IT DOES? I HAVEN’T REALLY BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE TROLL CALENDAR.  
KANAYA: Yeah It Is A Bit Outdated When We Live On A Planet That Orbits The Sun Every Three Hundred And Sixty Five Point Two Five Days  
KANAYA: But It Is Still Important To Keep Track Of Our Religious Holidays  
KANAYA: The Major One For Most Trolls These Days Apparently Being Your Wriggling Day  
Karkat blushed a bright red, and took a deep breath in as he prepared one of his most furious tirades yet. But anything Karkat could say in rebuttal was interrupted by Rose walking in, about to immediately address Kanaya before she realized he had come over. She raised an eyebrow, but her expression otherwise stayed neutral. Unsure how to interpret her face, Karkat grew uneasy, and looked away. Dave may have become easier for him to read with time, but Rose was ever the enigma to him.  
ROSE: Oh, hello Karkat. Pleasure to see you again, it’s been a while.  
KARKAT: OH. HI ROSE.  
KARKAT: UH... NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, TOO.  
ROSE: If I may, what brings you here? You don’t usually come over for visits.   
KANAYA: Actually I Was Wondering The Same Thing  
KANAYA: Has Something Happened To Dave  
KANAYA: Have You Caught Some Kind Of Human Plague  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO. HE’S-  
KARKAT: I’M FINE. ACTUALLY, I CAME TO ASK YOU GUYS SOMETHING, IF THAT’S ALRIGHT.  
ROSE: Oh? Worm?  
KANAYA: Rose Please Do Not Say That  
KANAYA: I Know You Have Been Hanging Out With Roxy Lately But None Of The Rest Of Us Can Understand This Terminology  
ROSE: That’s sensible enough, I suppose. I thought it would be funny.  
ROSE: Anyways, Karkat, what were you going to ask us?  
KARKAT: WELL, DAVE GOT IT IN HIS HEAD TO THROW A PARTY FOR JOHN SO HE’D STOP BEING SUCH A RECLUSE. THE ONLY TERMS OF THIS ARRANGEMENT WERE THAT EVERYONE HAD TO SHOW UP, APPARENTLY, BECAUSE GOD FORBID EGBERT DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY TRY TO OVERWHELM HIMSELF.  
KARKAT: WOULD YOU GUYS BE INTERESTED IN ATTENDING?  
ROSE: Hmm. When is the party?  
KARKAT: LET ME SEE.  
KARKAT: THE THIRD, APPARENTLY. JADE SAYS IT’S NON NEGOTIABLE.  
KANAYA: Oh Dear  
KANAYA: Thats Very Unfortunate  
KANAYA: We Were Planning Our Date Night For Then  
KARKAT: RIGHT, THE DAY OF THE DISCIPLE.  
Instead of saying anything else on the matter, Rose simply looked away, brow knit tightly. Karkat raised an eyebrow at Kanaya, who simply shrugged, and Rose continued to think in peace. If he had to guess, he’d first assume she was deep in thought, but given his unfamiliarity with Rose, he wasn’t sure he could say. She finally spoke with a loud and authoritative tone.  
ROSE: We could do it during the morning.  
KANAYA: Rose I Thought We Would Spend The Day Together  
ROSE: I usually wake up around noon anyways, so going to a party at, say, 9 AM, would be before “the day.”  
ROSE: I believe that compromise would be amenable to everyone.  
ROSE: Besides, something tells me that this party is of excruciating importance. I’m not sure why, nor how so quite yet, just that it would “lead to victory,” as it were.  
KANAYA: I See  
KANAYA: I Will Trust Your Intuition And Your Ever Mystical And Obtuse Seer Powers  
KANAYA: Which Of Course I Completely Understand And Do Not Find Excruciatingly Obtuse  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE, ROSE? I MEAN, IT *IS* THE DAY OF THE DISCIPLE, AND...  
ROSE: Karkat, when I recognize the abstract and arcane significance in an otherwise mundane event, I can trust in my own judgement.  
ROSE: If Kanaya so wishes, we can arrange something to make up for this, regardless.  
KANAYA: We Can Discuss This Later Dear  
KANAYA: Thank You  
KANAYA: By The Way Karkat How Was The Drive Over  
KANAYA: I Know You Hate To Operate Those Human Four Wheel Devices  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT THERE ARE ALWAYS CARAPACIANS ON THE ROADS AND THEY FUCKING LOVE TO HONK THEIR HORNS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  
KARKAT: AND THEN I TRY TO YELL AT THEM BUT THEY’RE *CARAPACIANS* AND THEY’RE SO CUTE, SO THEN I FEEL SUPER GUILTY FOR GETTING ANGRY.  
KARKAT: AND THEN I BEAT MYSELF UP SO MUCH I GET IN A CRASH AND JADE HAS TO COME RESCUE ME AND THE POOR LITTLE CONSORT FAMILY WHOSE LIVES ARE CHANGED.  
KARKAT: THIS HAS HAPPENED SIX ENTIRE SEPARATE FUCKING TIMES NOW.  
KARKAT: THANK GOD EVERYONE WORSHIPS ME SO FUCKING MUCH THEY’RE COMPLETELY, SENSELESSLY UNWILLING TO TAKE AWAY MY LICENSE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO BE AFTER I BEAT THE GAME? WATCH OUT, IT’S KARKAT VANTAS, DANGER TO CIVILIANS ON THE ROADS! PUBLIC MENACE #2, SECOND ONLY TO DAVE FUCKING STRIDER.  
KARKAT: UGH. DAVE STRIDER. HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE OBLIVIOUS MOTHERFUCKER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY?  
KANAYA: Actually Yes Karkat  
KANAYA: And I Think It May Very Well Be You  
KARKAT: WHAT  
ROSE: Dave loves you, Karkat. He talks about you all the time, actually, and with significantly more detail than anyone else.  
ROSE: On top of that, haven’t you noticed the way he looks at you sometimes, when he thinks nobody can see it? The way he laughs at all of your jokes?  
KANAYA: Karkat I Hate To Say It  
KANAYA: But Some Of Your Jokes Arent Even Especially Funny  
KANAYA: Dave Laughs At Them Anyway Because He Loves You  
KANAYA: Even If He Doesnt Show It Very Well  
KARKAT: WHAT  
KARKAT: SORRY? I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON?  
KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE ONE TO FUCKING TALK, THE BOTH OF YOU. NEITHER OF YOU ARE ESPECIALLY FUNNY EITHER.  
KARKAT: AND SECOND, I DON’T THINK DAVE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.  
KARKAT: DID YOU SEE HIM LITERALLY THROW ME AT YOU WHEN I FLIRTED WITH HIM AT THAT NEW YEARS THING?  
KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT SUCKS TO BE THROWN? HE FUCKING PICKED ME UP AND CHUCKED ME LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.   
KARKAT: *HUMILIATING.*  
KANAYA: Perhaps He Just Doesnt Know How To Process Your Advances  
KANAYA: He Is Like A Feral Meowbeast In Nature I Believe So It May Be Wiser To Approach Gently  
KANAYA: Less Comments On His Impressive Ass May Be In Order  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING HEARD THAT COMMENT?  
KANAYA: Ok No I Did Not  
KANAYA: But He Does Not React Well To Remarks On His Figure I Noticed  
KANAYA: So I Guessed  
KANAYA: Anyways  
KANAYA: What Exactly Is Preventing You From Telling It To Him Straight That You Are Interested In Him  
KARKAT: ONCE AGAIN, NOT ONLY IS HE OBLIVIOUS BUT SECOND TO ROSE AND ONLY ROSE HE IS THE MOST OBTUSE PERSON I’VE KNOWN IN MY FUCKING LIFE. I HAVE NO GODDAMN CLUE WHETHER OR NOT HE’S *ACTUALLY* INTERESTED IN ME AND IT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL.  
ROSE: Hey, Karkat?  
ROSE: I’d like to know what justifies you calling me obtuse.  
ROSE: I am deeply hurt by these accusations, dare I even say heartbroken that you’d say such a thing.  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER LIKE, ACTUALLY EXPLAINED SOMETHING? MUCH LESS IN A SUCCINCT OR CONCISE WAY?  
ROSE: The nature of my powers prevents me from doing so, about my visions.  
ROSE: I can explain other things though.  
ROSE: For instance, I’ve drafted up a succinct and concise explanation of troll psychology, after years of incredibly intimate and up-close research.  
KANAYA: Booyeah  
KARKAT: OK, LAY IT ON ME. I DOUBT YOU CAN OUTDO ME HERE.  
ROSE: Sure.  
ROSE: The philosopher Hobbes once said that the lives of humans, in their natural state, are nasty, brutish and short, and that the natural state of man is a war of every man against every man.  
ROSE: If this is true, then trolls are like humans on a college student’s dose of stimulants.  
ROSE: Every troll has an incredible will to violence, a term I’m appropriating from Nietzsche's “will to power”, that most of them must to some extent suppress as children.  
ROSE: Of course, this was a result of societal conditioning, not nature, and no such thing is true of Beforan Trolls or Earth C Trolls. I don’t want to be xenophobic here.  
KANAYA: You Are About Halfway To Succeeding  
ROSE: Sorry.  
ROSE: But would you agree, Karkat, that every Alternian troll is driven to some extent by violent impulses?  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S NOT A FUCKING GENIUS INSIGHT. EVEN A WIGGLER WHO HADN’T BEEN SCHOOLFED WOULD KNOW THAT.  
ROSE: I agree with you.  
ROSE: Trolls who grow up outside the confines of Alternian society, like my lovely wife, have a significantly diminished will to violence. This is to be expected.  
ROSE: But there is one special case, who grew up in a standard Alternian suburb, but has no will to violence at all.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE MYTH OF THE SUFFERER?  
KARKAT: I’M NOT OK WITH RELIGIOUS DEBATE, IF YOU WOULD FUCKING PLEASE.  
ROSE: No, the sufferer grew up in a cave. I’m talking about you, Karkat.  
KARKAT: WHAT?   
ROSE: Will you let me pick your brain?  
KARKAT: SURE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M THE MOST VIOLENT PERSON IN THIS ROOM. I CAN FUCK UP YOUR SHIT, ROSE.  
ROSE: Maybe so. But that’s a result of overcompensation.  
ROSE: You try to be the most Alternian troll there is. You wanted to be a soldier, or “threshecutioner” when you grew up. You’re very particular about calling yourself bloodthirsty. You refuse to seek help for every problem.  
ROSE: You claim to have enjoyed your time on Alternia, despite the fact that you would be immediately killed if you got a papercut.  
ROSE: Kanaya told me you once believed trolls could only feel the emotions of hate and pity, which is patently untrue.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS WHEN I WAS 6.  
KARKAT: I’M A LOT LESS OF A MORON NOW THAT I’M 9.  
ROSE: Karkat, I really do hope you recognize how that sounds from a human perspective.  
KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.  
KARKAT: OK ROSE, I’VE BEEN FUCKING AWARE. I’M A FRAUD OF A TROLL. I’VE KNOWN THIS FOR SEVERAL YEARS. DID YOU WANT TO INSULT ME?  
ROSE: Ok, maybe I went too far with that one.  
ROSE: But Karkat, I want to help you.  
ROSE: I think your issues with not being a proper troll have led to your issues with romance.  
KARKAT: WHAT FUCKING ISSUES?  
KANAYA: Did You Not Tell Me That You Were Incapable Of Finding A Suitable Blackrom Partner?  
KANAYA: And That You Regretted Never Having A Partner In Any Concupiscent Quadrant.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DID YOU TWO FUCKING PRACTICE THIS?  
ROSE: No, we just work well together.  
ROSE: As do you and Dave.  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT’S WHY I’M FUCKING TRYING WITH DAVE.  
ROSE: I don’t think you’re trying.  
ROSE: You and I both know that Dave hates comments about his body.  
ROSE: You are sabotaging yourself.  
ROSE: Dave once told me the first time he spoke to you, he said you were gay and had issues about it, which is, let’s be real, a classic example of projection.  
ROSE: I believe most psychology textbooks on Earth C use it as an example thereof, in fact.  
ROSE: But he did hit upon something crucial about your psychology.  
ROSE: You have issues about being in love with Dave, because a normal redrom relationship with a human doesn’t seem violent enough to you.  
ROSE: Until you resolve these issues, I believe your attempts to “fucking try with Dave” will always be doomed to failure.  
KARKAT: WOW ROSE.  
KARKAT: I’M SUPER FUCKING IMPRESSED.  
KARKAT: YOU’VE REACHED LEVELS OF BEING FULL OF SHIT THAT I FRANKLY THOUGHT WERE UNHEARD OF.  
KANAYA: Karkat I Think It Is Best That You Listen To Rose  
KANAYA: Though She Might Have Become Uncomfortably Blunt And More Than A Little Xenophobic I Think She Has Your Best Interests At Heart  
ROSE: Yeah, I’m only trying to help you have sex with my brother.  
KARKAT: GOD ROSE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE BEING SARCASTIC, BUT FUCK YOU ANYWAYS.  
KARKAT: AND FUCK YOU, KANAYA, FOR JUST LETTING ME BE SUBJECTED TO THIS NONSENSE.  
KARKAT: I’M LEAVING, BEFORE MORE OF THESE HORRIBLE FUCKING WORDS CAN COME OUT OF YOUR RESPECTIVE MOUTH HOLES.  
KARKAT: GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE.  
Karkat ran out of the room, at speeds that nearly broke the troll sprinting speed record of 40 miles an hour. As he was running through the caverns, he overheard Kanaya and Rose continuing to talk.  
ROSE: Kanaya, did I go too far?  
KANAYA: Probably  
ROSE: He did call me obtuse.  
ROSE: Besides, this might have been the only-  
He couldn’t hear the rest, as he had run too far by that point. Once he was out of earshot, he slowed down to think. Was Rose right? Was his romantic lack of success all tied to some weird issues from back when he was 6? He figured that, no, Dave failing to respond to his advances was clearly his fault. He resolved not to comment on Dave’s body, and keep trying. Still, he was vaguely unsettled when he texted the rest of the “party planning team” stating that he had found out what the time was.  
Halfway through his drive home, Karkat really wanted to text Dave. However, he got stuck in ridiculous traffic, as there was a car wreck ahead. He knew he had to have patience. If he did what he wanted to do, he’d be in his seventh car crash this sweep. Would Jade really come rescue him for the seventh time? He doubted it. And certainly, nobody else would be willing. So, he waited patiently in traffic, not using his phone, until he doubted he would ever get home.  
\---  
Dave flew to Roxy and Calliope’s house. They lived at the capital of New Prospit, which was pretty far from the human/carapace kingdom border. Jade had apparently completed her entire reconnaissance mission in the time it took him to make the flight, as she texted him stating when the party would be before he even got to Roxy and Calliope’s house. Karkat had also completed his by the time he was entering New Prospit. When he got there, he was visibly exhausted. Sure, flying was less tiring than walking, but he had flown, by his estimate, several hundred miles that day, and it’d been a while since he’d had cause to travel that much. So, when Calliope answered the door, she was a sight for sore eyes.  
CALLIOPE: come in, please! woUld yoU like some apple jUice?  
DAVE: oh fuck yeah of course i would  
Calliope led Dave inside, and went back to the kitchen. There, she actually inserted fresh apples into a juicer. Damn, she was really going the extra mile. Dave sat down on Calliope’s couch, and noted that his ass instantly breathed a sigh of relief. It hadn’t had a good surface to sit on all day, and instead had been treated to the shitty Harley U couches and the hard chairs at Au Bon Pain.  
DAVE: yo im in fucking love with your couch  
DAVE: its like the shit the greek gods sat on back when they were important and slutty and shit  
DAVE: like damn dont let zeus know you took this or youll get your insides eaten by eagles for the rest of eternity or some shit like that  
CALLIOPE: aww, thanks dave! i picked it out myself.  
Calliope was used to Dave, at this point.  
DAVE: is roxy here  
CALLIOPE: yeah, she is.  
CALLIOPE: ROXY, COME ON DOWN!  
Responding to Calliope’s yell, which was about as loud as Karkat when he wanted to be quiet, Roxy jumped down the stairs behind the kitchen. She then vaulted over the barrister, and landed perfectly on the living room couch.  
ROXY: oh worm daveyyy wats up!!  
DAVE: hey mom  
DAVE: whats up its been a while since we talked  
DAVE: kinda like im your actual non-ectobiological son and i just went off to college and its the movies  
DAVE: and im getting wasted at all these fucking frat parties  
DAVE: best friend in the corner shouting chug chug chug and i got the keg over my head guzzling shitty ass booze like nobodys business  
DAVE: and meanwhile i dont have time for my dear old mother back home anymore  
DAVE: and then she dies of a heart attack and i cry to the sound of fuckin uh  
DAVE: viva la vida by coldplay  
DAVE: you know kneeling in the rain like some sort of chump crying at your funeral  
DAVE: and i yell at god like why didnt i love my poor ol mama more  
ROXY: … dam i actually dont know what 2 do with that :’(  
ROXY: dave… r u ok?  
DAVE: no actually  
DAVE: dont wanna get into it right now tho  
DAVE: hey you wanna go hang out with egbert sometime by the way i gotta ask  
Rather than immediately accepting, Roxy looks over at Calliope. Calliope looks down and away, a finger to her chin while she thinks. In spite of her rigid, unchanging face, she manages to look obviously deep in thought.  
CALLIOPE: what’s the occasion?  
DAVE: oh john said he’d leave his house if we all gathered there  
DAVE: stop being such a shut in  
Calliope remained silent for, by Dave’s count, exactly 83.59 seconds. In this timespan, he managed to look at literally everything in the room except for her face. He looked at the wizard painting, the other wizard painting, the beautiful stained glass window without a single trace of wizardly energies, and the small, creepy, ornate little wizard on the coffee table. His ability to fervently avoid eye contact for such an uncomfortable silence would be impressive if it wasn’t also somewhat tragic. It was an uncomfortably long time, even for someone who liberally peppered his own conversations with awkward silences. The sound of her voice startled Dave when it finally came.  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse! i’d love to go!  
ROXY: me too then  
ROXY: what time yall thinkin  
DAVE: idk most likely jan 3  
DAVE: from nineish to noonish  
ROXY: yeah sounds great!  
CALLIOPE: everyone’s gonna be so happy!  
CALLIOPE: i call dibs on preparing food!  
DAVE: jane called dibs on baking so you have some competition  
CALLIOPE: well, we’ll simply have to have a bake-off then!  
CALLIOPE: oh, dave.  
CALLIOPE: i promise to protect this party…  
CALLIOPE: from those forces that seek to destroy it  
ROXY: callie stop being so dramatic lmao  
CALLIOPE: im sorry, i coUldnt help myself!  
ROXY: ell em eff a ooo  
ROXY: so u just came here to hand out party invites?  
ROXY: u wouldnt fly the full distance just for this would u?  
DAVE: i mean i also came for callies primo fucking homemade aj  
DAVE: but no   
DAVE: actually  
DAVE: i also want to thank you for taking karkat home for me  
DAVE: id have done it myself if he told me he wanted to go home  
DAVE: but he also said you two got along so like  
DAVE: thanks for being patient with him i guess  
DAVE: and being nice  
ROXY: ur underselling karkat  
ROXY: he was great!!  
ROXY: and he told me something...INTERESTING ;)  
ROXY: wonk wonk  
DAVE: oh no  
DAVE: is this about me dating karkat  
DAVE: who started that fucking rumor i swear to jegus  
ROXY: u kno, speaking of jegus...  
ROXY: i think karkat did  
ROXY: he sez hes been flirting with u for like the past few weeks  
ROXY: non FUCKIN stop  
ROXY: and ur not reciprocating  
DAVE: he what now  
ROXY: shushhh  
ROXY: i think... u and him are already boyfriends   
ROXY: like yall seem even closer than me and callie  
ROXY: and u literally flew over here just to thank me for taking care of him  
ROXY: like what is he to u lbr  
DAVE: my roommate  
DAVE: im following the roommates code  
DAVE: idk where you got the idea hes anything else  
DAVE: but to be honest sometimes when i really think about it i think  
DAVE: i think i might actually  
DAVE: nevermind  
DAVE: thats not important  
DAVE: whats important is the john party thats whats really important right now  
ROXY: davey  
ROXY: its ok to think abt these things  
ROXY: u dont have to run away frm your own thoughts  
ROXY: its not healthy  
ROXY: talk 2 me  
ROXY: when u think about it... what do you think?  
Dave was quiet for a while, introspective. He looked at Roxy, then away, then to where Calliope had been standing not even five minutes ago. Apparently she had made herself busy somewhere else when they weren’t focused on her, likely trying to respect the privacy of the conversation. He stared into the dead, blank eyes of the coffee table wizard, who was clearly focused on whatever he was thinking about.  
Had he fallen for Karkat? Though he wasn’t honestly certain, there were times when he caught himself thinking just a little bit too hard about his roommate. The thought was, admittedly, unnerving, but it provoked a sensation a little bit like minnows swimming inside his ribcage, in a way most other thoughts didn’t. Dave’s brows furrowed a little bit. What did that mean? He supposed something about Karkat gave him a rush of earnest, genuine excitement, but why?  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: thats still a huge ass question  
DAVE: like trying to conceptualize the actual value of really fucking huge numbers  
DAVE: our shitty primate brains arent equipped to understand what a billion means roxy  
DAVE: and mine isnt equipped to understand the ramifications of what being in love with karkat would be  
DAVE: a billion is so much fucking bigger than just one, or two, or ten, or a thousand  
DAVE: like in terms of money  
DAVE: im sitting on billions of fucking boonbucks right now  
DAVE: i could buy however many yachts i goddamn want  
DAVE: i could have the ultimate matryoshka yacht if i really fucking felt like it  
DAVE: but no matter how many goddamn yachts i get ill still have infinitely more money than i need just to live  
DAVE: and  
DAVE: this kind of nauseating scale is why its so hard roxy  
DAVE: i  
There is nothing left that he can say. Dave looked away, his heart pounding away in his chest, and when he looked back at Roxy he saw only a terrifying helplessness in her eyes. She didn’t seem to know how to respond, but his pain was clearly getting to her at least a little bit. Blinking her tears away, she sat up, taking a breath, trying to compose herself. Seeing nothing better to do with himself, Dave followed suit.  
ROXY: i understand  
ROXY: u and i both know it hurts  
ROXY: im not gonna make u talk abt it any more   
ROXY: but i think u shoudl still think about it  
ROXY: ask urself what you really want  
ROXY: whatll make u happy  
ROXY: and see how he fits into it  
ROXY: idk   
ROXY: im kinda thinkin out loud here but i hope it works out 4 u davey  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: thanks for the advice roxy  
DAVE: ill think on it  
DAVE: for now though i gotta go  
DAVE: important ass party shit to attend to you know how it is  
ROXY: o yea  
ROXY: seeya round dave!  
ROXY: its been lit seeing u again   
DAVE: yeah lit ahff as they say  
Dave still hadn’t gotten the hang of Roxy’s future slang, he reflected with nothing short of mild embarrassment. Trying to live it down as she giggled at him, he waved wildly and quickly tried to make his escape down the stairs. Once just outside the beautifully designed tower, he made his getaway, taking off back into the sky. As Dave began the flight back home, he checked his phone. He had a new message from John, from way back at 9am, which he had missed. He considered rewinding time just to respond in a reasonable time, but decided against it. It would cause a lot of problems if anyone saw him from the air; he might break a loop without Terezi’s help. Instead, he responded with some nice banter, taunting him with how far the party planning had come, how there was only one person to invite.  
He then checked his other messages. He had a new message from Karkat, it seemed. His next breath felt different, lighter in his chest, and the buzz in his ribcage came back. Privately, he wondered whether this was just because of his conversation with Roxy, or if he would’ve felt this way regardless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> closing statement from arjun: "this was hell, I'm never doing anything like this chapter again"
> 
> closing statement from vince: this chapter was a HUGE pain in the ass so i slacked off probably more than i shouldve so its probably a little inconsistent with the other chapters in some regards, sorry about that. anyways the jade section was a learning experience for both of us and was also like the biggest pain in the ass. thank you for reading!!! (also thanks to those who've left comments so far, we both really appreciate it!!!!!)
> 
> also id like to give a quick yet desperate thank you to sburbanite for the cheat sheet of span class html tags, otherwise, i would be dead in a ditch in kansas right now because honestly. formatting is enough of a pain in the dick WITH it (and then another thanks to arjun who caught an instance of accidental green karkat i would not have otherwise)


	4. We Gotta Go Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue spoilers ahoy.

Every story must have a villain; this is a general rule. While the villain of this story is Dave and Karkat’s inability to admit their feelings for one another, there is a person who believes that he is in fact the villain. This person is Dirk Strider.  
On New Year’s Day, he woke up mid-afternoon on a futon, miserable because his boyfriend broke up with him and kicked him out of his mansions. Jake owned 12 mansions, but Dirk had failed to invest in his own housing, so he set up a futon in his workplace, a studio from which he could both produce robots and, more lucratively, television shows. Dirk reckoned he had a near-monopoly on Human Kingdom television, and the shows that weren’t his, he worked on. His main accomplishment was his invention of new animation techniques, using labor-saving robots, that allowed a beautiful anime to be animated on ones with about three days of lead time, without the need for outsourcing.   
Although Dirk believed in the importance of economic competition, and the free market, things which had failed to assert themselves on Earth C despite the system being quite similar to what Dirk had heard of the pre-Batterwitch US system, he had to admit that living in a post-scarcity society was definitely better for the animes. He was currently drafting an anime that was inspired by one of his favorites: Neon Genesis Evangelion. Although he always preferred Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, he did like the action in Evangelion, if not the hamfisted misuse of symbolism and the embarrassingly adolescent bildungsroman. He thought it would be a good project to make something inspired by Evangelion, but about his trials and tribulations as an adolescent, which may have, in retrospect, been more stupidly immature. He would also replace the religious symbolism of Christianity with the symbolism of the cult of Dirk Strider, a cult he formed ironically to poke fun at his title as a god, and which had only 3 adherents: Dave, Roxy, and Calliope. Instead of the EVAs at the end taking the shape of crucifixes, they’d have to take the shape of hats, which was most likely possible topologically. The anime was still in the pre-planning stages, and required a lot from him. He decided to throw himself into his work.  
First, he had to inform his friends that he wanted to be left alone. Jane would take a simple “I’m busy, don’t contact me unless I contact you.” Most of the others probably would do with a similar, if slightly modified message, perhaps even Jade and Roxy. It was pretty obvious Jake wouldn’t be speaking to him after the stunt Jake pulled last night, and he blocked Jake’s number just in case. Dirk was, however, a little scared of Dave. Dave confronted Dirk last night, displaying a courage that even he didn’t think was within him. Who was to say Dave couldn’t beat down on Dirk any further, or cause even more of his life to come crashing down like a house of cards? He decided to send Dave a threat of violence. Dave was pretty averse to violence, he figured, so Dirk was fairly comfortable with that alone. Once he had sent the texts, he was able to get to work.  
Although he was able to lose himself a little in Neon Dirkesis Evangelion, all the while pondering perhaps a slightly better title, he still couldn’t stop thinking about Jake English. Not so many months ago, he had built a robot replica of Jake, for indecent purposes. He still had it in his studio: Jake had vetoed the idea, and it wasn’t something even Dirk would have done without consent. Dirk figured fighting it might serve as a valuable form of catharsis, now that he thought about it.  
He booted up the robot, and set it to kill mode. He had loaded it with Jake’s sparring techniques, and doubted that it could actually kill him. Still, he liked his sparring having actual risk, as he wasn’t as immortal as the rest of his friends. He began getting into it, dodging the robots blows and putting in his own. He ended up slicing the robot into small pieces, practically filleting it. He almost expected it to get back up, like the genuine article would. When it didn’t, he cried.  
His tears were brief, and he managed to regain his composure almost instantly. He couldn’t cope with this on his own. As much as Jane hated his venting, he had to call her. He went down to get his cellphone, and rung her up. She took a while to answer, but eventually did on the sixth ring.  
DIRK: Jane, I’m afraid to say I’m still having some difficulty getting over Jake. Can you help me with this?  
JANE: Uhh… :/  
DIRK: Oh my God, is Jake there right now? Is he also venting at you?  
JANE: Yes, as a matter of fact.  
DIRK: Man, Jake really cannot be sensitive, for even a second.  
JANE: Yeah...   
JANE: I’m taking advantage, though. I think I can parlay this into a... business deal ;)  
DIRK: Oh God, Jane. I heard you wink.  
DIRK: I would prefer it if you did not try to sleep with my ex-boyfriend literally the day after we broke up.  
JANE: I’m sorry, Dirk. I’ll try and keep it strictly business for a respectable amount of time.  
DIRK: Anyways, I think I should call you back later then.  
JANE: Sounds like a plan! :B  
JANE: Oh wait.  
DIRK: Yeah?  
JANE: Jade came over to invite me to a party. I think Jade’s going to send all of us a personalized invitation, and I know you wanted to be left alone, so beware.  
DIRK: Hm.  
DIRK: What’s the party for?  
DIRK: Will Jake be there?  
JANE: Jade said if all of us attend, John will get out of his house for once!  
JANE: I’m excited, personally!  
JANE: And yeah, I think Jake will be there.  
DIRK: Inform Jade that I can’t attend this.  
JANE: She’s already gone.  
JANE: Is it because Jake’s gonna be there?  
JANE: I can keep him busy for you.  
DIRK: Oh god no, please don’t.  
DIRK: No, it’s not because of that.  
DIRK: In fact, it’s really fucking important that you don’t attend the party either.  
JANE: I already made the commitment!  
JANE: I know you have your mysterious plans that are supposed to propel me to the presidency.  
JANE: But I just don’t see how keeping my son depressed is going to give me power!  
JANE: Free my boy, Dirk.  
DIRK: Look, I’m not that happy about preventing someone from having a fun party either-  
JANE: Wait, this isn’t even part of the plan, is it?  
JANE: This *is* about Jake.  
DIRK: No, I swear to God, it’s crucial-  
JANE: Jake just broke down crying.  
JANE: I have to go.  
JANE: Bye!  
DIRK: Jane, listen to-  
Jane hung up the phone. This was bad. Dirk figured it’d be best to talk to Rose now; however, she didn’t answer his call, and Dave had sternly informed him that he should stop after one attempt. So, for the time being, Dirk had to think about his plans, in the only place he really could think: the shower. While he wasn’t really in a place of residence, he did have a shower built into his studio, because he fucking loved showers. It even had five jets, and the water remained hot for up to 3 hours. He was ashamed to admit that the water had gotten cold before he finished on a couple, particularly stressful, days, though.  
Once he had gotten in the shower, and was finally able to relax his perpetually tense body, he began to think about his evil plans. If John were to leave his house, would he stop being depressed? Could he possibly gain some willpower? Would he be unwilling to sacrifice his life for the sanctity of canon? That would be disastrous; it’d lead to the existence of no timeline, following from his present one, that was unaffected by dissipation. He might even have to decapitate himself earlier than planned.   
Dirk decided to stop thinking about the future, and focus on the present moment. The main problem with John leaving his house wasn’t that he would necessarily interfere with his plans. John had always had a certain nobility to him, and he might be willing to do something as dangerous as fighting lord english of his own accord, without being deceived. Rather it was that John leaving his house pushed them into uncharted territory. He would have to redo all his intricate plans, and there was a higher risk of failure. Still, Dirk could tell they were still not yet non-canon, seeing as how being outside of canon gave them some leeway. He blamed Rose for her goddamn confusing terminology surrounding this. He realized, then, that Rose could not only help confirm if they were on-track to remain in canon, but could also help him chart a new path if they were outside of it. Of course, he couldn’t betray to her his actual plans, which included many things which she was not yet ready to accept.  
He had forgotten to actually shampoo, so he did that quickly, and then settled into thinking about Neon Dirkesis Evangelion. He was having some difficulty deciding how to both parody and pay tribute to the original show, and whether he could reuse the mech designs and not be seen as creatively bankrupt. His own robots, after all, generally went for substance after style, and he doubted anyone could design new mechs better than Anno’s originals. Then, he remembered the time he had forced Rose to watch Evangelion with him. She was better at literary criticism than him. He could fulfill two of his plans with one phone call. He was working on wheels within wheels, where one of the wheels was his supremely important plan and the other was a shitty, ultimately inconsequential TV show.  
Dirk had forgotten all about Jake. He felt he was bigger than these petty human concerns, now that there was a threat to the state of canon. Dirk had important things to do; he had too big a role to play in the universe to care about getting sex. He decided he would focus single-mindedly on these very important plans, and of course his TV work, which was of great personal importance, and never think about his ex-boyfriend ever again. Good riddance.  
Dirk spent the rest of his shower thinking about his TV empire, as was his custom. When he finally decided to apply soap and walk out, he found that an hour had somehow passed. At least this was long enough that he could call Rose again. He called her, while he was still in his underwear, and she answered on the second ring.  
DIRK: Hey Rose.  
ROSE: Hello, father dear. To what do I owe this pleasure?  
ROSE: I noticed a missed call an hour earlier.  
ROSE: I take it this means whatever it is is important.  
DIRK: Yes, it is.  
DIRK: Has Jade invited you to a party at John’s house yet?  
ROSE: Karkat, actually.  
If Karkat and Jade were doing something, so was Dave, most likely. Dirk was disappointed that this might turn into a federal fucking issue.  
DIRK: What did you say to him?  
ROSE: I agreed to go, of course.  
DIRK: No Rose, you can’t-  
ROSE: Let me explain. This party appeared to have some arcane significance, just like certain events prior.  
ROSE: Indeed, I started experiencing visions again while we were at the New Year’s Party, telling me to do small minor things.  
ROSE: At the time, I thought nothing of it, and simply obeyed, trusting that what I did would lead to victory.  
ROSE: But getting John out of the house seems to contradict my previous visions, and quite possibly take us outside the realm of canon.  
ROSE: Therefore, my conclusion is that either my powers have been altered somehow by some outside force, or, quite possibly, the conditions for victory have somehow changed, at the present date.  
ROSE: That remaining “canon” is no longer sufficient to prevent dissipation, us being forgotten, and we would have to take more drastic measures.  
DIRK: That could certainly be possible.   
DIRK: But what if it’s the first, and some evil villains are ordering you around now?  
DIRK: What if it’s Lord English? He is already here, after all.  
DIRK: Is that a risk you’d be willing to take?  
ROSE: Of course it is. I trust you know what happens to John?  
DIRK: Yeah. Rest in Peace, two years from now.  
DIRK: Dying unknown and unmourned.  
DIRK: I can’t think of a worse fate.  
ROSE: And yet it is a fate that you are perfectly willing to send him to.  
ROSE: Dearest father, I beseech you: have you ever experienced the arcane emotion of...empathy?  
DIRK: Hey, don’t turn this around on me.  
DIRK: You were pretty willing to go ahead and condemn him too.  
ROSE: Only because I thought there was no other way.  
ROSE: These new visions seem to present an alternative path forwards.  
ROSE: One that could save the life of someone I deeply care about.  
ROSE: So, I’m willing to take the risk that they could lead to even greater ruin, for a chance of John’s life being saved.  
ROSE: Would you not do the same, if it were Dave being sacrificed?.  
DIRK: Probably? I care about the preservation of canon, dude.   
DIRK: Maintaining the wheels within wheels.  
DIRK: Why would you even go to those lengths for John?  
DIRK: He doesn’t have any willpower or agency.  
DIRK: Left to his own, he just sits around his house all day.  
DIRK: He’s more of an NPC than the consorts.  
Dirk had gone too far, but John’s lack of agency both angered and unnerved him. If you didn’t make any contribution to society, what was the point of you?   
ROSE: Ouch.  
DIRK: I feel it’s only fair to be honest.  
DIRK: Maybe I can try to convince you to see things from my point of view.  
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Dirk was being way too blunt, in a way he wasn’t usually. He supposed it was the panic of having his plans unravelled.  
ROSE: I must admit that I’m not entirely satisfied with the life John currently leads, though he has yet to move from a mansion into a television studio.  
ROSE: But retreating into the consort kingdom was his decision.  
ROSE: We can’t control everything, Dirk.  
DIRK: Yeah, I’m sorry, but-  
ROSE: You asked why I cared about John.  
ROSE: Of course, I don’t really need a reason, because I care about all my childhood friends, like any reasonable human being.  
ROSE: But, since you asked, despite how depressive he’s been lately, John is one of the most earnest and genuine people on Earth C.  
ROSE: It was nice having a friend who was that supportive.  
ROSE: A nice break from my terrible fucking father.  
DIRK: Shut-  
ROSE: But in all seriousness.  
ROSE: My mother was a neglectful, absentee drunkard who didn’t seem to know what to do with me at any point.  
ROSE: Naturally, John was the best of my friends at providing a reprieve from that.  
ROSE: Even at 13, when he could be, to be honest, kind of obnoxious.  
ROSE: I mean, like we all were.  
ROSE: Anyways, no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked, I’ll always care a lot about him.  
ROSE: I wonder, do you have literally anyone like that?  
DIRK: I mean, I had Cal.  
DIRK: But I threw him into the ocean because Lord English told me to.  
ROSE: ...what?  
DIRK: Ok, maybe I wasn't the best judge of character when I was 15.  
DIRK: I could easily turn this around on you  
DIRK: The point is, I can't really relate.  
ROSE: So you really can’t relate to having affection for your friends?  
DIRK: I mean, don’t take it like that.  
ROSE: Ok, if I can’t make you go along with my plan.  
ROSE: Then I think, in order to achieve your goals of spinning wheels or whatever, you should probably attend the party!  
ROSE: I mean, think about it: have you and John ever hung out?  
ROSE: If you don’t show up, there’s a chance he might not even notice, or say that all his real friends are there.  
ROSE: That would be a blow to that huge ego of yours, father.  
ROSE: I’d recommend, if you want your plans to have even the ghost of a chance of succeeding, you’d have to show up at the party and try to ruin it.  
ROSE: Maybe convince others to do so, too.  
ROSE: It’d be fun, me vs. you. Like a feet ball match, almost.  
DIRK: Is that a threat?  
DIRK: Is the fate of reality a game to you?  
ROSE: Is John’s fucking life a game to you?  
DIRK: Touche.  
ROSE: Well, I’ll go back to my knitting then.  
DIRK: Wait, I-  
ROSE: Goodbye, Dirk.  
Rose hung up on Dirk. And so, now, do we.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> closing statement from arjun: "this was kinda setting up some stuff in later chapters, we go back to the davekat next chapter"
> 
> closing statement from vince: arjun wrote this entire chapter pretty much (thank you arjun)


End file.
